It has taken three days, but today I realized that I am depressed. I have a steady sadness and ache somewhere inside. It radiates mostly through my chest. It wasn’t until I looked at all the dirty dishes on my counter that I realized it. The glasses with leftover coke and melted ice looked hard and pointless. I wanted to reach out, pick them up, and let them slip, falling to the ground to shatter. Maybe then something would make sense.
Back when I was new at accepting that I have depression it would take me much longer to realize that it had crept in. It was like passing out. A darkness that started at the corners and slowly, slowly, closes in until all was black. Everything would remain blind and seemingly hopeless and joyless. Much slower than the dark the light would ease back in, also starting from the outer edges.
I catch it early now; like nausea and a watery mouth foretelling vomit. I pull my husband aside and tell him. I know he is not a mind reader, and cannot always tell if I am objectively emotional or battling illness. So, I tell him and he treats me with care and gentleness. I also tell him when it is not depression and accept his challenging, advising, and pushing me through my various emotions.
But not now. Pushing me during depression could shatter my fragile outer composure, dragging me from my internal focus at war with dysfunctional chemicals in my head.
It is good to accept what my thorn is. It is good to fight and identify patterns, to talk about it and mature within my illness. Still, at times it makes marriage, children, friendships, and life so hard. If my illness was physical at this stage we would be preparing to head to the hospital for support, tests, an Iv, drugs. But life keeps going on needing me. I just need to identify what these things look like when the misunderstood and misjudged illness is in ones brain.
Only a foolish diabetic would stop taking his insulin. Doing so, as with many other illnesses, can lead to death. So, I fight my disease, and know that it does not define who I am. Someday, I will be a restored oak. Strong, beautiful, with a spirit of gladness.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3
I don't have to fight on-going depression like this which is so tough. I do have a bad day now and then, last Saturday being one. I found out that melted chocolate chips to which you add dried apricots and cashews (in order to pretend it's healthy), stirred up and eaten with a spoon helps a little. I hope there is an easing of your darkness soon.
Sympathizes... but no words come...
MLH: You seriously need to send me some of these tasty little treats. We can drown our sorrows in chocolate! :o)
KornSt@r: Thanks. Just glad it's sympathy and not 'pity'.;o} I am at a good place with my depression, as good as it can get without going away. It's all in how I deal with it and look at it. Perhaps much of life is this way? Anyways, it's just plain good to be honest about reality.
I don't know what its like to struggle with depression but I do know what its like to have an illness that you battle every day that no one else can see. For me its hard to know the balance of when to talk about that I'm in pain and when to just pretend things are good that day. But either way I know that I need Jesus everyday. Thanks for pointing me to the hope I have in him this afternoon, I needed it.
I also have depression which is rounded out with a large dose of an anxiety disorder. When I first decided to ask my doctor for help, I made the appointment saying that the problem I was having was shortness of breath, because I was too embarassed to say that I was depressed. After I was on medication for a while I realized that was rather stupid because people with diabetes aren't embarrassed to ask their doctor for help.
I also find that it is fairly cyclical, coming and going. It was a such a huge relief when I realized a few years ago that it wasn't a "spiritual" problem, but a brain problem. I have also found that recognizing its swings is much easier than at first. I think that the worst part is when I am in the darkest part of depression, I feel so separated from people. As if no one else has ever felt the way I do. Hearing from you is another chink in this faulty belief system that depression throws at me. Thanks
Sandy
Michelle: You are in good company here. Thanks for checking out my blog and thank you for your comments. I love your blog. It makes me smile and that is good.
Sandy: I am so honored that you ventured here. Thank you for your honesty. I have always admired your strength. It is good to feel like there is someone out there that not only struggles in similar areas, but perhaps is at a similar stage with it. Once again, I am so honored. thanks.
Just to let you know that I am here in more ways than one. Love you. It is good to be home again.
When I first logged on this evening, I misread your headline as "Grooving in Zion" (my laptop was a bit too far away from my bifocals, as it happens). And though my misreading is inappropriate, that is only temporary as you point out so well. So, until then, we can both pop our little pills and be happy for the oh-so-common-grace of anti-depressants. Like you, I'm waiting for Zion.
Confident that your grieving will turn to grooving soon.
A year and a half ago I was in a very hard place and a month before everything came to a climax, my mom shared 2 Samuel 22 with me. Oh, to know the path underneath you has been enlarged and your feet will not slip. I ask for peace for you. I am encouraged by you and your friendship. You bless me and unknowingly. Thank your for laying your heart and life out there gracefully and humbly. I always love reading to the end of your postings to see how you are working things out. Because it is a process and your ARE working it all out even if you cannot see it yet. I am envious of the record you have of your journey through your blog. Thanks for all of it. Love you. You are not your own.....ahhh peace will come.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx b yugyyhh
Xave misses you and wants to go see Sem-burrr
Sember, I really appreciated this post. Especially - "mature within my illness." You must realize how far you have come to be able to say this. I have struggled with depression myself. Not in the same way or to the same degree but I can empathize a little. I can also pray and I will. This is a good place you have here.
My boyfriend deals with depression as well. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with it, and I become insecure about the situation. I don't know what to do, and for awhile I thought it was my fault for not making him happy. I really found your words helpful, and hopefully next time he tells me he is depressed I can help him better.
I don't know if he is where you are with your depression, it seems like he is at peace with it but it doesn't stop it from coming.
Thanks for sharing...
Depression is the work of satan. I think everyone needs to stand up and pray and keep your faith. Satan is out to destory us, dont let him do that, stand strong and weep for better days.
Peace
( The Legendary General = U.2.K.)