I have a hair that grows on my chin without my noticing. At times I will get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and lo and behold it is already an inch long. I pluck it like the diseased plague that it is. Shortly after my husband and I got married this infamous hair appeared. I ripped it out, thankful that no one had noticed, and plopped down on the porch swing next to my husband. He glanced over at me, smiled and said "I see you finally got that hair." Needless to say I was a little ticked and went into great detail about the proper approach a husband should take in this sort of situation. First, he is to put aside all fear that I might get mad at him for critiquing me. (Which he would say is of course unavoidable.) Second, he is to tell me as soon as this hair appears so that I can pluck it IMMEDIATELY!
A couple of years later while in labor with Mason and en route to the hospital; Shaun leans close and says “Honey, just so you know, that hair is back.” (A little disclaimer: I have been told that Muslims believe that when a woman goes through labor all her sins up until that point are erased. I tend to want to agree. Seems reasonable to me that this forgiveness starts just AS SOON AS labor begins.) Even more ticked this time around I once again blew up.
“HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PLUCK IT NOW?!?”
“But baby you told me to let you know!”
“Not on the way to the hospital! What am I supposed to do? Now all the nurses are going to be distracted and staring at this BIG BLACK hair on my chin when they are supposed to be helping me have a baby!” (I’ll spare you the details of all the other stupid things I said.)
It was later that I realized how he must have felt. We now laugh together at this story, but it helped me to understand that in certain situations he feels like he just can’t win. I am so moody. I am hard to live with. At times my depression makes marriage even more difficult. I have this way of expecting so much of him and then even when he meets my expectations I am unsatisfied.
“As For Me & My House” by Walter Wangerin, Jr. Is a book on marriage that has been part of my reading agenda since my marriage to Shaun. The truth is I hate self help books. They are insulting and usually tend toward legalism. But, this book is different. Wangerin conveys truth and yet leaves so much room for discernment by the individual. He opens the book with an invitation: "I intend this book to be both practical and personal-as though I were your pastor and we sat discussing holy, intimate necessities over a cup of coffee. I’ll seek to find you and define your marital experience by offering myself, my knowledge, my faith, and my own experience." Despite my stubborn skepticism, that is precisely how I end up feeling throughout a majority of the book. Perhaps vulnerability instead of preachiness is one of the main reasons this book is so good. He touches on many topics that we as a fragmented culture never venture into. This book has now become a great treasure to me. It has helped me to understand much more clearly myself, my sin, and the way I make my husband feel.
I was part of a diverse Bible study a while back and the married couples were very frank about their prayer needs. Many of the singles were shocked. They expressed that they had no idea just how hard marriage could be! Some in the group argued that we “marrieds” were ruining the prospective ideal marriage for these poor singles. Some of us disagreed; wishing that we ourselves had heard more frankness and honesty about marriage before entering into a life long commitment. Wangerin clearly understands the shock a lot of newly weds experience:"Let’s admit that getting married, as good as it may be for those who choose it, is nonetheless a crisis in the lives of newlyweds because it requires radical changes in their habits and behavior, in their assessment of their worlds and themselves, in their priorities, and in their responsibilities. Marriage is an unacknowledged cataclysm to lifestyles." "This is the fact: the woman does not know who her husband is until he is her husband, nor the man his wife until she exists as wife." Reading a book like this helps us to understand better why marriage can be traumatic, how to understand our spouses better, and how to truly love and forgive in a God-centered relationship. Wangerin says: "Love (though it may be an overwhelming inducement, finally, to marry) does not make a marriage. At that point each may feel an intense commitment to the other, but that is not independent of feelings. Rather, it’s founded on nothing but feelings-and feelings are as unstable as water, while marriage is the establishment of stability itself in a relationship. Feelings come and go. Marriage is meant to endure in spite of them."
Yes, we live in an age where marriage is based on feelings. When those feelings go sour, so often does the marriage. Wangerin understands these tendencies in a marriage and has hope to offer. I have read this book during good and bad times. I have skipped chapters, jumped back and forth, reread chapters, and each time I understand more and more about my marriage. I have much to learn. (Especially if I can get mad at my husband about a chin hair.) But Shaun and I are committed for life and this book is a wonderful tool for us to use as we fight for our marriage.
(To read a wonderful excerpt from As For Me and My House click the link below “To continue Reading...”)
