I have always been one to ask forbidden questions in any context, but answers are few and I am confused. The little things blow my mind. I was present when someone talked about their new mattress and my first response was one of complete longing for my own brand new, comfortable, pillow-topped, say goodbye to all backaches mattress of my own. Then I wondered how I should think about a new mattress when so many in the world don’t even have a mattress to begin with.
Perhaps I should not want a new mattress.
Or is it that I should only want a new one when the old one that I do have has springs poking all the way through?
Should I have a mattress at all?
Should the mattress be okay, as long as I am not spoiled about it and don’t spend this much time obsessing about a material possession?
I sat in my yard the other day and was utterly astounded that we own a van. How amazing is that? I am the owner of a huge vehicle with which I can go practically anywhere! Yet, in some dark recessed place within myself I think that I need it and well, frankly, that I deserve it.
So, is the van okay as long as I don’t take it for granted?
I know that giving it all up is not the answer, but I fear that I do not know the extent of my slavery to possessions.
Is it okay for me to spend a majority of my time, energy, and brain space on financial security? Someone told me once that I try too hard. But I see too much complacency around me and within me not to. To be honest I don’t want money to be my focus.
In Africa the tribal language I was exposed to had no word for future tense. The children would dig in our garbage pit pulling out all the valuable tins, which we had thrown out, to use for hauling water. When shown how to collect rain water, they just walked away in disbelief to wash their hair in the well, no thought on tomorrow when they would have to drink it; soap and all. I wonder how they would feel if they joined my prayer group as I bemoaned not having any money. (Oh, by the way, we don’t have any money.) How would they react when they saw my lovely mattress and my huge van?
It takes faith.
How far do we take faith?
Faith I am not sure that I possess. Faith that says I can leave a job, because it is solely a source of money and not a source of using my gifts. Faith to leave my kids with my husband so that I can get a job that uses my gifts (even though it will pay nothing compared to what we need). Faith that says my husband can leave a secure job to make much less because he is neglecting his family for the sake of a paycheck.
What is need?
Faith perhaps to live in a smaller house, so we are not living above our means. I’m not sure that our big house is a gift in the way that we think. Perhaps it is here to break me. Break me into living in a two-bedroom house with my family of six to lift some of the financial burdens. That in of its self is not the answer, but would I in faith be willing to or only if forced to and then how much would I complain?!
In Joshua people were terrified when commanded to go into the promised land and KILL all the men, women, and children! They were afraid of the large men there. What did they do? They complained, and God struck them DOWN! The ones who started it immediately and the ones who followed died over time without ever seeing the promised land. I would have been STRUCK down. I am far to secure and busy to go and kill a city full of men bigger than I, let alone do my dishes without bitching!
Not using my talents in leu of a pretty paycheck is to me burying them in a field for safe keeping. For, say, when the Lord returns and makes the world right, so that then I can use them. Perhaps he will say, “I am glad that you did not try too hard.”
I know that my husband and I could live far below our current means and still be far richer than a majority of the world. And here in America, we are far below poverty level.
